Sometimes I feel like Swiss cheese of a person. 
I have holes in me that seem to still have question marks – still ache from time to time. Grief reminds me of my holes. Each one has a label of sorts.
Some days I spend time wondering about what would have been with my holes. You see because grief leave a mark and void in our being. We learn to compensate and function through these holes, but they are real and very present.
Some of my holes ache in simple ways. I miss everyday things and routines that could’ve been.
The other day I was thinking about my dad. He loves gardening and traveling. We used to have a big garden and evidence of mysterious places ventured around the house. Looking back it makes me wonder… I wonder what life would’ve been like for me on those everyday levels had he not started a new life. I wonder about what different memories I would’ve had in my life had those small things been around.
There is deep grief that is felt when change happens. I ache over small and everyday things that I miss. I am not a person who likes change, especially when it is a result of hurt.
Small things are just as valuable of memories as the big things. Smells, words, and familiar places can bring out memories and questions. I think it is okay to take the time to touch the scars and feel the ache.
Every chapter of life will bring on different stings to grief, but it will also bring on new healing. Grief is not a linear process. It has no warning or timeline. Grief only has a Healer.
Joy and sorrow are harnessed together for life.
What kind of every day things do you miss right now?
How are you experiencing grief these days?
My goodness, Tracee, you could be me. You write the same kind of things that go through my heart. For me, it has been a life-long ache knowing that I never had the kind of family that I wish I did. I don’t have a real friendship with my mom or any family member, really (except my husband and kids), and I don’t have a father in my life. My bio-dad is a rolling stone, gathers no moss. Nor is he the type to write or call or send birthday cards. Basically, he’s non-existent except for the one time a year we meet up at my grandparents’ house. And I don’t really have any connection with the few step-dads that I have. In some ways, I feel like an orphan in my family, like a stranger. I even get to hear about my brothers engagements, babies, and weddings through the grape-vine because we don’t really contact each other.
As far as the everyday, small things that I miss . . . well, I make the most of my life here with my husband and kids. But it’s the little moments in movies or shows that trigger the ache. A lot more lately it seems, for some reason. Like when a grown daughter goes to her mom or dad for advice or comfort. I have never been able to do that. I have always felt on my own when it came to navigating through life (except for a time when my mom was married to my last step-dad. He was a stable figure for a while.) Or when a dad or mom looks lovingly at their child in a movie. Oh, how I wish I knew how it felt to be adored that way by my parents. But it’s not that way in my life. I find myself living through shows like Gilmore Girls and Mama Mia, where the women and the family members have strong relationships with each other.
It aches daily sometimes. But I use that pain to do what I can to try harder with my kids and with my husband, to not hold back the love and the affection and the admiration. I want them to know that my life was brighter just because they were here and that I love nothing more than just being in the same room as them and getting to know them. And I guess that’s a blessing that comes from the pain. Keep up the heart-felt writing. It’s inspiring.